Layers…

I felt compelled to write this down right after I got out of my somatic therapy session.

We started with her asking me how’s it been in the last week.

My answer was — sitcom. My life is a sitcom — so many unexpected, random things happening all at once. They all may seem funny to an observer, but were rather disorienting for me to deal with in the moment. I described it as “being dropped unceremoniously in the middle of a very busy street, and not knowing which way to go to avoid being roadkill”.

A very few examples -
- HOA deciding to replace my front door — with one that does not fit the frame.
- Boiled egg exploding in my face.
- Right when I start my therapy session, someone peels off painters protective coverings off my window — shocking both of us! I am glad he did not fall off the ladder! And now my therapist is also part of the sitcom!

Like I said, these are very few examples of what the week has been like.

She she tried to calm me down with a grounding process. She asked me to place my right hand by my heart and the left one around the right shoulder.

“Feel your heartbeat”, she said.

And I go searching for it. Nope. No heartbeat. There are too many layers between my heart and my hand. Can’t feel it!

In order to keep going, I imagine what my heartbeat might feel like. Yup, faked it and moved on.

After the session was done, I reflected on it a little.

I paused on the fact that I could not feel my heartbeat. Because of layers.

Then I started exploring each of these layers.

I had a thick sweatshirt on — it gets cold in sunny California too, y’all! So this layer was for protection.

Then came a thin tee — another layer for protection from the cold. (I said it is cold here and we shall not argue about it, alright?)

Then came a padded bra — simply for vanity.

Some layers were needed, some could have been avoided or maybe a bit different?

Made me think of how this was parallel to the way we hide our true selves with our thoughts and actions!

We put on layers of vanity — we talk about our accomplishments, our success, our net worth when introducing ourselves.

We put on layers of protection — we shield our vulnerable selves, sometimes rightly so.

We put on layers of superficial veneer — act in certain ways just to fit in with our peers.

We put so many layers upon layers upon layers on our true selves, that we can’t hear our heartbeats at times.

Maybe it is time to re-examine these layers, see which ones are necessary, which ones need to be changed and which ones completely dropped.

After the adjustments, just make sure that you can hear that beat. And make sure to really “listen” to it once you “hear” it.